Ambiguous loss
The type of loss
experienced when someone disappears is very different to other types of loss
that an individual may experience in their life (for example, the death of a
loved one). This is because there is often a feeling of finality when a death
occurs, as it is often known what has happened to the person. The term often
used to describe this unique type of loss, when someone is missing, is ambiguous loss. Dr. Pauline Boss
developed this term in the 1970s when she began working with families of
soldiers missing in action. She has summarized
ambiguous loss as: Where
a loved one disappears in body or mind. She further defines ambiguous loss
as: The most stressful type of loss; a
type of loss that lacks answers, is unclear, indeterminate and often goes
unacknowledged.
Besides “ambiguous loss”,
there is “unimaginable loss”. The tragedy of a parent losing a child is
certainly unimaginable. My parents lived long enough to experience the suicide
of their youngest son, the disappearance of their eldest son, and to hear the news
that two other sons were dying from a lung disease which they inherited from my
parents. Somehow my parents found the strength to continue on, to enjoy their
growing tribe of grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and to face their own
deaths with dignity. I am in awe of them.
Nowadays, nearly twenty years after my brother’s disappearance, the amount of information available to us is phenomenal. With just a few keystrokes on my computer, I can get scads of advice on what to do when someone goes missing. For example, Wikihow has a comprehensive action list, starting with “Contact the police as soon as you have reason to worry”. The list also cautions you to understand "the limits of what the police can do, especially if the missing person is an adult. It is not illegal for a person to go missing".
Today we have social media to help us out too. As I mentioned earlier, Terry's daughter Ajineen puts Terry's Missing poster on her Facebook page, and we all continue to hope that, someday, someone will have an answer for us.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My agony over Terry's disappearance continues to this day, but it has helped
tremendously to write about it. Again, I would like to thank all of you who
have been so compassionate and understanding over the years, and thank you for
taking the time to read this tribute to Terry.
~~~~~~~~~~~ The End ~~~~~~~~~~~
